Good luck son on Boyfriend day:

Contrary to what you might think, boyfriend day is not a day to celebrate all the boyfriends in the world, hell no! Even fathers day has been transformed to celebrate all the single mothers who have acted ‘father’ for their children. It usually all about them son, you just have to learn that from the word go because it is not about to end.

It started like a joke when girls in Rwathia Girls High School in Murang’a County, decided they wanted shorter skirts as their school uniforms, soon other schools followed suit and girl power became a whole different slogan for high school girls. It’s a new world for them, you dont just accept what is handed down to you, if it does not suit you question it and demand something better, after all: Who runs the world? Girls. As you grew up, high school girls demanded more, they figured out that parents day was not enough and wanted a specific day when their boyfriends would also visit them.

In my age, the closest one got to a girl in high school was through school outings. One had to manouvre his way to be picked for all kind of sports to get out and meet with the neigbouring school. If you got lucky you would be picked to represent whatever sport for your school and therefore get to various schools for competition. Of course it was a game of chance if her school showed up or even she herself showed up. The only consolation we had is that it kept us fit and healthy.

Luckily for your generation, the girls will push through with the Minister of Education to have a formal day to recognize you, nay, themselves. This is a day you shall live to dread.

I have told you several times that in secondary school, that Gothic girl is interested more with rock stars than you. However, I know that you shall seek to have a first hand experience in dating her. There you will be, having stolen my car, and begged your mother for some money and got it. Then you shall go shopping to buy her pizza or whatever else will be new in town. In your age creativity will be a foreign term,so no undying love expressed in sweet scented cards but probably a music player for her stashed with all her rock favourites. You shall have done her proud and I am sure she will be the envy of her friends. Congratulations on that.

The irony however of young relationships is that, you will be under immense pressure to grow up. Women demand that you grow up faster than them so that they can have someone who can offer them a shoulder to lean on. Please don’t confuse the shoulder thing by hitting the gym and having broader shoulders. It will be expected that you know how to treat a lady well and I know if you confide in your mother she will give you all this information. My advice is that take it slow, enjoy your youth and don’t put burden yourself with relationships in high school, because as your mother once told me: “It’s never that serious”.

Good luck son in your high school life, and read what I have written for you because I don’t want later on in life you come across this quote: “By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong” and shake your head.

Good luck son in wiping your online presence

Son as you grow up you will realize that all your activities is scattered all over the internet. Lets go down memeory lane for a moment:

“Oh my God, this is my happiest moment!” Your mother tweeted on your conception. Then her friends retweeted, mistweeted and replied severally. For public approval she uploaded a photo on Facebook holding her belly!

When she gave birth to you, she just tweeted about your birth an hour after you were born. Okay she tried to convince me to take your photo and post it online but I couldn’t.

Your first crawl is all recorded. Not to mention how our little house hosted a party when you said you uttered your first word “tata” . Yeah I know now you are asking yourself how that is worth a celebration? Never mind the photos of you scattered all over social media websites.

Well your mother thought a whole day worth of tweets was not enough for your first day at school. It went a record 16 hours. From early in the morning when your eyes opened, when you stepped to the school gate and how she volunteered to be in school with you the whole day till after a whole hour you had closed your eyes to sleep.

Well well now you know that your whole life is online. You need to do something about. My generation forgot about the little privacy as we uploaded everything to Google and Facebook.

Nevertheless son, come to think of it this can be an opportunity. While in my generation Google made a lot of money in accumulating information online, you can be the next billionare by removing content on the internet.

What about that politician that want to run for the highest office but some nosy journalist decided he was the one seen with a hooker on Koinange street and has pictorial evidence of this on-line? Can you remove this incrimination information on-line? I think you can.

Imagine that musician that wants to atone for his sins of his binge praising ways? And now wants to sing music with a positive message, how will he gain credibility?

Imagine that wild campus girl with her bikini photos dispersed all over the internet. Ten years later she now wants to be the CEO of the bank. Her drug-laden campus boyfriend, however blackmails her that he wants to be in her payroll otherwise he will leak all her photos to the whole wide world.

What about that Priest that wants to forget his past? He wants a peace of mind. He served a ten year prison term and yes he has reformed, but the father of the raped girl does not think that was adequate justice and sends him gory pictures every Sunday morning, just before his summons. Can you help him?

As you can see Son, this is a multi-million idea. Hell-yeah I would even agree if you drop out of college to pursue this dream. If you succeed to implement it, just take your old man to a trip to Brazil. I want to enjoy life there, and learn some Portugeese as well as fulfil some of my strongest desires.

Don’t get it twisted with Love, Sex and Money

Girl’s version
Do you at times get the feeling that there is a piece missing,
A piece itching to be scratched.
It could be have been in school where I discovered I was good at nothing
It could have been at home, the confusion of being two part girl and one part woman
Or probably in the city streets, where I learnt my body had mysterious effect on men
Maybe I lost the piece in college with the random men that I only knew through the various things they gave me.
But, when I met Daddy ten years after, and confessed it all to him,
He held my hand, looked at me, silently wishing he had been there for me.
Then right there I felt the missing piece fitting in.
(Adapted from Shuga, http://mtvshuga.com/clips/shuga-love-sex-money/)

Boy’s version
How did it all happen?
Let me tell you about Daddy,
I can vaguely recount the events that he shared with me.
My first day in school he was not there,
When I brought a girl at home, he was not there.
Mum was there trying to carry out duties of an absentee father.
His constant argument was that, he was always busy with business meetings and business trips.
Solving the world’s problem but forgetting us.
Mum always defended him, that he loved us.
I guess my lowest moment was when thugs broke into our home,
I was there helpless, as they beat up mum and took everything.
I was scared.
Then it occurred to me that, that I had missed his hugs, his security around.
From that moment on, I got attracted to men who could protect me.
It just came naturally.

So there are two people, who have made choices in life and they want to put blame on to others. In life as you grow up son, you will discover that most of the choices you make will not be influenced by your parents. Music, movies and the internet will make you believe that just because mum disapproved a number of your decisions, she is the reason for your low esteem. Or just because daddy was working hard to ensure you have the best in life, that is the reason you are drug addict!

Here are the facts, in your generation, love will be scarce! In your pressured, faster-is-better society, who got time for love? Money is all we need.

In my grandpa’s time, women were supposed to look for mates who are good providers and willing to support their children, men were ‘configured’ to look for young and attractive woman who can pass on his genes. In my dad’s generation, they had to come to terms that polygamy was no longer acceptble. In my generation, we had to learn that heterosexual relationships are not the only options. God knows what your generation will come up, with artificial intelligence developed, people might start discovering that they are better matches other than Homo sapiens!

All in all I did my part, Good luck Son!

Good luck son in finding the one

Before I tell who she is, let me indulge you in our history.

My grandpa once told me his legendary story of how he met grandma. Nevertheless, when faced with a dilemma, for him he just married the his second love as his second wife.

Dad, well he says he met mum once and knew she was the one. Hard to believe that one, but you know your grandpa was a man of few words.

As for me, that is a story for another day.

So back to you, I know your question is, how do you know she is the one? Here are some guidelines I have prepared for you from my many years experience in this ‘industry’
1. In primary school, no matter how smart and organized she looks, she is not interested in you. Just focus on your studies, because if you don’t she will be your boss.
2. In secondary school, that gothic girl is interested more with Justin Bieber and not you! Leave her alone. I know you would try and act all cool and imagine yourself as some kind of a movie star! Forget that and start thinking of your career. She will lead you astray.

3. In campus, you would meet a girl, you would think she is the one. She is a moderate party girl, goes to church more often than you. She is focused in her studies, she is good looking, your mother will most likely approve her. She has her life all planned out. No matter what you think, she is not the one. She is too mature than you and you still have a few years in front of you. Just leave her alone.

You will meet her, in the rain, the drizzle having ruined her hair. As you offer your umbrella, she smiles and argues that it is too late as the damage has already been done. You say coffee would probably help, she hesitates and comes up with an excuse that she is busy going somewhere. You offer that the traffic snarl up caused by the weather would delay her anyway. She agrees and……………
Well that I was just messing with you. That was how people imagined in the 90s and 80s. They made movies and money on that plot too.

In my age, people met on Facebook, So son I advise you to utilize technology. In your age there would be these massive robots that would pull up all the records on the internet since the day your mum posted on twitter your arrival. Since all your records would be online, your baby steps, your first tweet, your first hangover, your first date, and so on. This would be synchronized, analysed and matched to the best fit person (various criteria considered among them including IQ, tastes and preference,) with the robots considering producing superior human beings, resistant to diseases and whatever it will be programmed with.

After all the analysis, the computer will give you a perfect match of an Indian girl from Mumbai, two years your junior. She is the one

Good luck though as she skypes in and you introduce her to your Mother!!! For me just let her do the bollywood dance!

Good luck son

Son you know, Kenya is a strange country, one crazy idea pops up and everyone wants to cash in. In my time it was probably ICT, where everyone is saying the future is ICT and every corporate would pitch tent to hear some campus students present far-fetched googled Ideas what ICT can do for Africa.

In your time the fad would probably be with robotics. Some Kenyan universities might even be tempted to offer a variant of Robotics courses: bachelor of criminology with robotics, Bachelor of Arts with robotic and so on. Indeed, robotics would also be a great pillar of the East African vision 2050.

Corporates would come in to hear about how robots can be used in voting, in quelling post-election violence, in cooking, in making weaves, and even in driving. You would possibly be tempted to pitch your idea to some corporates and who want to hear the next bright idea.

I would be a big shot then, also listening to you, but one thing is for sure, your mama would have urged me to sit down and listen to your crazy idea. I know, with KFC’s all over Nairobi, weight might be a problem, and hitting the gym might be a challenge for the ever busy mom, wife, and business executive. TV shows of Slim-impossible might have also been a catalyst to your noble innovation.

So the idea of the robot helping people to slim by ‘intelligently’ matching their eating and social lifestyle and then offering a work out plan for them might seem a brilliant idea. Actually it is a splendid idea but for CEOs and CIOs the pressure will be quick fix response to competitors and keeping shareholders and Board of Directors happy! So to them, that might not be the it idea.

You might also think you are a ladies man and you know what women want, and your Mum might agree with it, but like me and all the male species, you actually don’t. Anyway, this is just a forewarning, but by the time you are in college you would have got used to your bubble being continuously being burst by yours truly.

Just one thing, don’t go with the trend, be consistent you and you would be rewarded for it.

Rain

She waits for me; my lady Earth,
Smiles and waits and sighs;
I’ll say her nay, and hide away,
Then take her by surprise.

Adapted from Mary Mapes Dodge, How the Rain Comes, April.